It’s been a long time since I’ve written here, but something has happened and I am conflicted about it, so I need to get it all out & try to make sense of it.
I should start by saying this is not related to my husband or his affair.
I heard some really upsetting news a few days ago and I’m struggling with my feelings.
I learned that my old best friend from school has advanced breast cancer. Let’s call her Jane.
She is 40 years old. She is 6 months pregnant.
We aren’t close anymore, we drifted apart after school & I haven’t actually seen her for about 10 years, although we are FB friends and occasionally reminisce a little when memories come up.
This will be Jane’s first, and likely only child. I was only saying a few months ago to another mutual friend that I felt sad for Jane because it didn’t seem likely that she was going to settle down and have any children. I was delighted to find out that she was pregnant. So happy for her.
Then this. It should be the happiest time in her life and now she has been diagnosed with breast cancer. The pregnancy is both speeding up its advance & delaying her treatment. I don’t know what will happen, but it doesn’t look good for her.
There is more.
A couple of years ago a different friend told me that she had fallen out with Jane because Jane had been seeing a married man. To be clear, I don’t know anything about this relationship. We don’t really have any contact and she certainly hasn’t broadcast it on Facebook. So I don’t know what happened, or if the man she is with now is that same man.
So here is where my feelings get complicated. I used to love this girl between the ages of 11-15. We were the best of friends. She had a slight deformity which made her the butt of many kids’ jokes. She never had a boyfriend- teenage boys can be cruel and they used to recoil at her mention. I learned that as she got older after we had gone out separate ways she slept around, had a lot of one night stands etc. She basically learned that crumbs were all she was ever worthy of, because she felt she was not pretty/good enough and started to confuse sex with love. She took it wherever she could get it. So it doesn’t surprise me that she got involved with a married man, I suspect there were probably others too. Also her dad was a notorious philanderer, and her parents had a very ugly breakup because of it.
Now I feel like I am defending her, or justifying her actions, which I’m not. But I can see how she ended up where she did, and it just makes me sad.
And hearing the latest news, just breaks my heart. Yet I know, that out there somewhere, there is a betrayed wife like me, battered and bruised, and probably delighted to hear that Jane has cancer & is unlikely to see her unborn child grow up. I can’t say I blame her.
If I heard that my OW had cancer, I wouldn’t be disappointed. I would say it was Karma, finally. Her husband left her for another woman. So what did she do? She tried to destroy my family to take it for herself, she wasn’t the least bit sorry, and she deserves every bad thing that happens to her. Is this Karma for my old friend? Maybe. It doesn’t make me feel good though.
I feel sad, and scared. Although we are no longer close, I have a boatload of great memories of our childhood friendship. I feel sad for her mother, whom I also knew well, who is now going to have to watch her only daughter go through this. I feel sad for a child that may have to grow up without a mother. I feel scared that I have reached an age where people the same age as me that I know and care about may get sick, and even die.
I just feel so, so sad.