Warning: This is not going to be pretty.
I am filled with…I’m not quite sure what? Feels a bit like anger, but not the way I usually feel it. A cross between anger, grief and desperation could be right. Perhaps I have just become numb to it now; after all this time feeling empty and hollow is my normal. When I do feel, it is almost always the negative emotions of anger, sadness and fear. It’s ugly, and I hate the joyless monster I have become.
I’m getting real sick of being right all the time. My intuition is so finely tuned that I’m actually beginning to wonder if I’m psychic! The Other Woman and her ‘new man’ (they got together a few months after my husband dropped her) are away on holiday this week. I had a thought a couple of days ago that maybe he would propose to her on this trip. Lo and behold! A picture of a shiny ring has appeared and she is sooooooo happy! And I am sat here, not shocked or suprised, but kind of…bereft.
“The Devil looks after his own”
That’s what my mother used to say. And I’m really beginning to believe that. Ever since this woman was cast aside by my husband, I have watched her rejoice as she found love with a new man, travelled to exotic places, welcomed three grandchildren, plan her daughters wedding (which is scheduled to take place this year on the 16th anniversary of my daughters death by the way), and now she has been proposed to and is going to live happily ever after in a relationship not tainted by betrayal. While I have had to painfully sift through the wreckage of 20yrs of destroyed marriage, try to stop myself from falling apart every single day, watched my beloved mother deteriorate and eventually die, sold my childhood home now my mother no longer needs it, I’ve lost friends because I have isolated myself and they don’t understand, lost my job, lost my dog, lost MYSELF, lost contact with my siblings, put 2 of my children in therapy- the same 2 children who are leaving to go to University this year, and I could go on. So many losses. It feels like the universe is actively rewarding her for trying to steal my husband from under my nose and take away my children’s father while I continue to be punished. For the way she spat venom at me, lied, cursed and blamed me for my husband’s choice to stray. For showing no remorse whatsoever for the damage she helped to cause to my marriage, my children, or to me. If she loved my husband, as she claimed at the time, how did she move on so easily? If it was so easy to let go of him then why didnt she just leave him be in the first place? I wanted her to pine for him forever, to suffer as I did, and to spend the rest of my life knowing that she tried her best to get him to leave me and it still wasnt good enough. To know that she lost the game to her competitor (me) who didn’t even know she was playing. I’m really struggling to accept that she has got everything she wanted after everything she’s done. I feel like I will forever be living in the shadow of what’s happened, and she has just washed her hands of any responsibility, with her reputation intact and her secret unknown and waltzed off into the sunset to live happily ever after.
I don’t want to become a bitter person, and I don’t want to wish ill on people, but I see no justice here. My husband and I are both paying the price while she has just gotten clean away with it. It’s killing me. I NEED to see justice.
The amount of times I have fantasised about destroying their relationship…it would be so easy to mail him a pair of panties so she would think he is cheating just so she would suffer, but that’s not fair on him. And that’s not ME! But I’m so tired of being the bigger person! I don’t want to deliver Karma, but it’s been 4 years now and I could cry tears of frustration. I just want to see her fall. I’m not proud to say that, I’m not proud of how I feel. It’s just another layer of shame to add to the pile for me.